Dreaming With Our Eyes Open
by Tainted Tears
Summary: [INCOMPLETE] An accident. A friend lost to the darkness. Two years after Kairi’s death, Riku still struggles to help a guiltridden Sora from painful memories. Will his feelings for Sora bring happiness, or will they make things worse? Yaoi: RikuxSora


**Title: **Dreaming With Our Eyes Open

**Author: **Crystal Charmer

**Genre: **Drama/Romance/Angst/Action/Adventure

**Rating: **PG-13

**Warnings: **Moderate violence, sexual content including yaoi (male/male), some torture, angst and some disturbing content

**Summary: **An accident. A friend lost to the darkness. Two years after Kairi's death, Riku still struggles to help a guilt-ridden Sora from painful memories. Will his feelings for Sora bring happiness, or will they make things worse? (Yaoi: RikuxSora, implied AxelxRoxas)

**Disclaimer**: All characters recognized in the Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy series are under copyright of Squaresoft/Square-Enix and Tetsuya Nomura.

-oOo-

**Chapter 1 – Not In Front Of You**

_A rushing emptiness began to swell in the air, filling his lungs and causing his breath to catch in his mouth. He stopped for a moment, his knees trembling and bringing him to the floor. His heart was in his throat._

"_K...Kairi...?" he choked, glancing around amongst the chaos. His vision seemed to smear across his eyes. The landscape looked like a splattered palette. Where was everyone? He couldn't see anything...everything was returning to darkness...he had to find them..._

_He felt so exhausted. His muscles were screaming...but he couldn't rest **now!** They were still growing...searching for a new life. He wouldn't let that happen – he couldn't! Not to her...not to **her**..._

"_Kairi!"_

_Desperation seemed to deliver him with strength and he clutched the handle of the Keyblade between trembling fingers, clambering to his feet. His head swam with dizziness and he reached out into nothingness, as if searching for something to grab onto. _

"_Kairi..."_

_He felt his knees ready to buckle and betray him again, but before that could happen a firm grip latched around his wrist and jerked him upright, a gasp falling from the boy's lips. _

"_Sora!"_

-oOo-

A familiar coldness swept through him as his heart ceased from panic. He gazed around, blinking, his eyes taking everything in; from the pile of discarded clothes on the floor to the curtains, parted just enough to allow the tiniest strip of moonlight to shimmer across the sheets of his bed.

_Of course..._he realised, gaining awareness. _Just another dream..._

He let his head drop into his hands, fingers raking angrily through his messy, chestnut hair. The breath running past his lips was gradually slowing down as he stared down into the covers, his entire body coated in what felt like a frozen sweat.

Another nightmare. It had been the fifth one this week, and they were gradually becoming worse. It wasn't simply vague sounds and distant images anymore, like they were when they first started. He could see it all so clearly now, as if he were experiencing a flashback.

Or as if he were watching it happen all over again.

_But I don't want to..._he thought bitterly, feeling unwanted tears burning behind his eyelids and threatening to spill. _I just want to forget..._

But _did _he? Is that what he _really _wanted?

_No. No...I want to go back..._he told himself, _back before it all happened...back when I could have stopped it..._

Sora heard a soft, anguished growl on the air as he flopped back into his pillows and yanked the covers over his head. It didn't take him very long before he realised it had come from _him. _

_I'm so messed up..._he thought unhappily, grinding his teeth and pounding his pillow fiercely with a fist before attempting to stumble back into dreams of despair once more.

-oOo-

The salt-scented winds seemed different these days. Sora would often sit there on the beach, feeling the breeze gently blowing his hair across his cheeks. It felt so relaxing, but yet...so wrong. It felt wrong because he knew that he wasn't supposed to enjoy it. He wasn't _allowed _to. Not after the mistakes he had made, and all of the suffering he had caused.

He sighed, the memories and the haunting nightmares flooding back and stinging him all over inside. He felt his fingers curling into fists again as he slumped against the tree, shifting his feet uncomfortably in the sand; trying to focus on something other than this...this pain. This _guilt. _

"Why?" he wondered miserably, a million times a day. "Why did it have to happen?"

_Why did I **let **it happen?_

Familiar, burning sensations started behind his eyes and he clenched his lids shut, silently wishing them away. The tears again...how he _hated _them. It was almost a reminder of what he had failed in, and that these where the result that he must live with for the rest of his life.

_The rest of my life...? _Sora realised with a start. _It's barely been two years, and it's hard enough already..._

He rubbed vigorously at his lashes, letting the tears fall on the back of his dark gloves.

_Stop it...you can't cry. You just can't. They wouldn't want you to. Everyone wants you to be okay about this...if you cry..._

He took a deep breath, staring out across the lapping waves again, watching the sand slither beneath them. The gentle roaring sweep of the foam echoed into his ears, relaxing him a little. He rested his arms onto his knees, wanting to forget about _everything. _

Especially the nightmares. And the darkness.

-oOo-

"_Sora..."_

"Mmm...?"

"_Sora? Can you hear me...?"_

_That voice..._

Sora's eyes began to flutter open, memories from long ago flooding back like the sparkling waters of the island. His body felt stiff and restrained, as if something could have been holding him back. But that voice...from so long ago...

"K...Kairi...?" he whispered softly, reaching a limp arm out blindly, fingers brushing flesh. "Kairi...wait..."

"Sora, wake up," came the reply, and now the tone was different – firmer, distant and calm. _No longer _Kairi's voice. It didn't even sound like a female anymore. "Sora, you're dreaming. Get up, already."

_Huh...? Dreaming...? But...Kairi...**no...**she was here – she was **here...**Kairi...Kairi...!_

"Kairi, _no_!" Sora found himself gasping, flailing his arms desperately into nothingness, blindly clasping onto a wrist and gripping so tightly he could feel the pulse racing beneath his fingers.

_Kairi...I won't let you go...not this time..._

"Hey, Sora. Snap out of it..."

Another hand fell to his shoulder and shook him gently, and this time, Sora woke up for real. The sight of the white sunlight glared into his and he winced, blinking and trying to gain his focus back

_What...? _he thought, shielding his eyes from the brightness. _Light...?_

"Hey," came the voice again, softer this time.

The brunette frowned in confusion, only to discover that he was gazing up into the enquiring aqua irises that only belonged to one person on the Destiny Islands. He shook his head to clear the hazy feeling, suppressing a tiny yawn.

"R...Riku?" he asked dumbly, rubbing at one eye sleepily with the base of his wrist.

The elder boy smiled inwardly, although it was hidden by a strange, glazed expression of sadness that only ever seemed to happen recently...especially when his friend continued to experience these recurring dreams. Inside he was angry at himself for feeling so powerless, for he still didn't know how to help him – as two years on, nothing had seemed to work.

"Yeah, Sora," he replied quietly, the absent winds returning to offer the two of them a small hint of breeze. "It's me."

"Oh." Sora tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. After all, he didn't want Riku to know that he was still dreaming about...what happened...

_If only...it **had **been Kairi..._he thought bitterly, feeling his head hang low; a soft sigh breaking free from his throat. _I could have saved her...I could have..._

"Sora?" came Riku's voice again, still sounding far away and lost, like it usually did nowadays.

"Mmm?"

"You can let go, now."

There was a long pause, as if Sora were trying to translate the words into a language he could understand. "Huh?"

Then he realised. He was still squeezing the silver haired teen's wrist in his hand. Consciousness returned, shattering his mind and bringing him back down to earth.

"Oh," he murmured, releasing it and dropping his own hand lifelessly into his lap. "...Sorry."

Riku frowned, seating himself into the golden sand so that he was staring directly into the mass of spikes covering the top of Sora's lowered head. He shook his head slowly – either in pity or concern, he couldn't tell which.

"You were dreaming again, right?" he asked, tapping his sneaker against the base of the palm tree.

Sora didn't answer at first. He simply squatted there, hugging his knees to his chest, a glazed glimmer seeming to cross his eyes and stay there. "Yeah," he whispered, with not much effort. "It's happening all the time. I can't stop it..."

Riku sighed, glancing at the opal-like pebbles that littered the beach, the grains swaying around them as if it were some sort of ritualistic dance. He wanted to say something to make Sora perk up, but what _could _he say? This had been happening for so long...there was nothing that could possibly make a difference.

"I'm sorry," he finally murmured, then felt like kicking himself afterwards.

Sora looked up. "What for?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

It was haunting _him_ too, Riku knew. Every now and again...something inside him would become cold and forgotten, as if it had never really been there to begin with, but to his heart it felt stolen. He often thought about Kairi as well, and wondered what had happened exactly...what had happened that night...

"_Sora...Riku! Where are you...?"_

"It wasn't your fault," came Sora's soft reply, as if he had suddenly realised what Riku was attempting to apologise for.

Riku's head snapped up, so that he could gaze into Sora's calm features. It felt strange to see almost blank, evaporated irises shining out from the Keyblade Master's eyes. It didn't feel real. Riku could feel the dark emptiness boring through him, searching for something – _anything. _

Answers, perhaps? Who was to know?

_Your eyes used to be so alive, Sora..._

"It wasn't your fault, either," he finally responded, shaking his head a little, sensing the bitter self-harshness in Sora's words. "There was nothing you could do."

Sora turned away. "Then...why do I feel so bad? So...guilty...all the time?"

"I...I don't know," Riku sighed, "but...I feel the same, sometimes. And yet you say that I couldn't help her either."

"Yeah," Sora agreed quietly, although he continued to keep his head down. He didn't sound all that sincere either. But then, what could he do about it? Almost every night he was tormented by nightmares and visions of that night...that place, and hearing Kairi's voice in his head. How could he simply escape all of that by saying that it wasn't his fault?

_In my heart...I know that she was counting on **me**..._ he thought sullenly, _and I let her down. _

"Do you think there was _anything_ I could have –?"

"Sora, don't..."

"Don't _what_?" and now the boy's voice was taking on a new tone, basted with anger. A fist trembled at his hip, and a mysterious sparkle of encased desperation was lurking in his eye.

Riku paused for a moment. He wasn't sure if Sora's intention of his fingers becoming weapons was to lunge out at him or to simply relieve stress. Rather than not take the risk, he spoke up again instead, his words brimming with authority. "Don't torture yourself like this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, _this,_" his friend urged, leaning forward and closing his hand around Sora's fist, exigency hidden in every pore of his body. It was struggling beneath him, squirming around inside, and he wished that he could just scream it to the sky and let everything out – just for the chance – so that Sora would laugh, smile, _anything_!

"Riku...?" A voice filled with confusion.

"I know it happened," Riku continued, clenching Sora's wrist now, gazing determinedly into his face. "But you're not the only one hurting. There's no reason for you to –"

"I let her _die, _Riku!" cried Sora bitterly, wrenching free from the strong grip, backing up a little with a small frown on his face. His shoulders shook for a second and then he turned away, so that his attention could only be focused on the horizon, never moving – never changing. "It's my fault she's gone..."

"Don't say that!" snapped Riku, feeling his own temper beginning to rise slightly. There was just no getting through to Sora, sometimes. He was always so stubborn about his own feelings, but did he have to keep bottling them up inside? No wonder he was always having nightmares about that night. He couldn't stop blaming himself!

"Why not?"

"If you think that, it'll never stop," said Riku, in a quiet voice. "Believe me, I know."

All at once, the atmosphere seemed to shift. Inky uneasiness swarmed around the two of them, reminding them of the troubled past that they had hoped would have been put further back – further than _this _– in their minds. Riku had never confessed fully, but Sora could sense that the darkness still haunted him at times. It was something that was so invisible to everyone else, but inside..._somewhere_...Sora could see. Sora could tell.

_I wonder if the darkness is in Riku's dreams too..._

"Riku..." Sora started, his voice barely a whisper. Fingers shovelled through dry sand as he fought the urge to move closer to him.

He didn't want to admit it, but he was a little afraid. He was afraid of becoming so involved in his friend's own troubles. Many nights, he lay awake in bed, blinking against the moonlight and wondering if Riku was still fighting against _himself_. What if he lost him too? He couldn't lose Riku...not after _everything..._

_I need you, Riku...I need you..._

The silver-haired teen turned his gaze away – away from Sora's empty eyes. He couldn't look at them anymore. They seemed...to remind him of something that had been lost, and that he could never, _ever _get back, no matter how hard he would try. It was true. Sora _had _been affected terribly by Kairi's death. Riku could still remember the long weeks and months that followed afterwards, full of tears and arms embracing and spoken mourning.

They were _still _mourning.

"Look," Riku eventually sighed, ignoring the change in topic. "This isn't about me. It's about _you, _Sora. You've..." And here, he broke off, as if he were struggling to find just the right words that seemed buried deep inside of his throat. "...You've gotten _worse. _Ever since it happened..."

Sora blinked, a filthy cold seizure taking hold of his insides as his memories rampaged. He could feel his fists clenching again. He didn't know why. He wasn't _angry. _

"I haven't changed," he said.

"_...Sora? Don't ever change..."_

"I'm not _saying _that," Riku said patiently, sensing the hollow glare in Sora's eyes and moved closer, placing a strong hand on his shoulder, as if meaning to drag him from wherever he was right now and to bring him back into the real world. "I just –"

"I _haven't_!" Sora snapped, reeling back from Riku's touch as if it had been toxic to his skin. "I _can't _change! I can't! Kairi...Kairi didn't want me to...!"

Another awkward silence passed as Riku waited for Sora to get his breath back. He was always so _tired, _lately...Riku knew that he hadn't been sleeping well because of these nightmares, but it seemed to be affecting his friend in all sorts of areas. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. He never seemed to have the energy for _anything_.

_Not like you **used **to, Sora...you used to have enough spirit for the two of us..._

"_I _don't want you to change, either," Riku replied, hoping his voice didn't come out as hurt as he felt inside.

Sora's gaze drifted to the sandy ground as he sighed to himself. "I know, but..."

"I just want to help you," the older boy continued, his voice distant once again. "You've been going through so much since it happened...we _all _have, but...everything I've done doesn't help. I'm doing all I _can, _Sora...I don't know what else I can do for you..."

"Riku, I –"

"Don't let all the blame rest on _you_," Riku added, sounding firmer now; more desperate to get his point across. "We were _all _there, Sora...we _all _could have done something for Kairi – it shouldn't be just _you _that should suffer like this –!"

"She was calling for _me_!" Sora cried out, feeling the tears dancing in his eyes once again just by the mere memory of it. "I was trying to get to her..._she was calling for **me...**_I let her down, Riku – she wanted _me, _and I couldn't get to her! She...she wanted..." His voice trailed off, his breath catching in his throat and he looked away.

_No...you can't cry, _he told himself firmly._ You can't let anyone see you cry about it...not Riku...not anyone...Kairi wouldn't want you to cry...**Kairi**...think of what Kairi would have wanted..._

"I..._couldn't..._" Sora squeezed his eyes tight shut, angrily forcing back the tears so that Riku couldn't see just how _much_ he blamed himself. But as he did so, a small, cracked sob broke free and struck Riku in the chest as if he had just been stabbed in the heart.

"Sora..." Riku whispered, moving closer and placing his hand on the boy's shoulder.

He couldn't _stand _it when Sora cried. Sora never had to cry. He was always so _happy; _so alive and so free. Tears on Sora's cheeks were like an evil. He _hated _it. Perhaps Sora knew this, because he rarely cried in front of Riku. However, Riku understood that when Sora felt an emotion, he let it loose, full and strong – it didn't _matter _who else was around.

_Why do you have to hide your tears from **me**, Sora? _Riku wondered, all the time. _I hate seeing you miserable...but don't be afraid to cry...not in front of me..._

"Don't," Sora hiccupped, shrugging Riku's touch from his shoulder and struggling to his feet, keeping his head lowered the whole time, so that Riku couldn't see his face; coated with tear-stains. "I'm okay...I just..._I just need to get home_..."

Riku said nothing. His face set, he abruptly got to his feet and without saying a single word or giving any warning, pulled the stubborn teenager into his arms, holding him close in a comforting, supportive embrace. He did it so quickly and so effortlessly that Sora gasped.

"Riku..." Sora started, trying to pull himself away. The warmth that Riku's hold brought him seemed to make him all the more frustrated. He didn't want sympathy. He didn't want comfort – he didn't want _anything. _All he wanted was to be alone so that he could cry. He wanted to cry for Kairi, but not in front of everyone else. They all expected him to be strong about this, and Riku was just making it _harder _for him!

Sora pressed his palms against the silver-haired teen's shoulders, in an effort to push him away. "Riku – _don't..._"

"You don't have to hide it," stated Riku, struggling to keep hold of the brunette as he squirmed in his arms. "Just _cry, _Sora – it's okay...!"

"Get _off_!" Sora almost shouted, finally breaking free from Riku's clutches and staggering back. The sea breeze spun around the two boys, their hair and clothes now victims to its bullying.

Sora gasped for air, tasting the salt from the ocean and the bitterness of his tears on his lips. His eyes were lidded now with something else: a warning? He shook his head at Riku slowly, the pain clouding his anger.

Then he ran away.

-oOo-

Aquamarine eyes watched the boy before he disappeared into the distance; back to the docks and heading for home. The tangerine-pink clouds hitting the sand accompanied the sunlit ocean, setting once again, like it always did.

As soon as Sora was completely out of sight, Riku slumped his back against the nearest palm tree and – with an aggravated growl – slammed his fist against the trunk, feeling the numbing pain from collision with rough bark.

_Why? _Riku kept asking himself, a million times a week. _Why do I keep trying with you, Sora? Why do I keep trying to make you happy, when all you ever do is push me away? _

Riku sighed; almost in defeat, and planted himself in the sand, cupping his chin in his palm as he stared out over the crystal waters, tinted a brilliant magenta by the ever-passing clouds of an early evening.

_Because...I love you. _

Riku had known it now for years, and he had never been able to confess it to anyone else but himself. Some nights it had driven him almost to the point of insanity where he wanted to tell someone – _anyone, _just so that it wouldn't be as wrong as it felt. However, in his heart, he knew that Sora was the only person he had _ever _wanted to be with. He had never wanted to be separated from him, not even when they were children.

_Things were so simple back then, _Riku thought bitterly. _Not like now...not with Kairi gone. Not when Sora is so hurt. _

He could never forget the memory of when Kairi had first arrived on the islands, so many years ago. Most of what he could remember was a tremendous, burning ache of jealousy that he used to suffer from whenever Sora bounded off to play with the newcomer:

"_He's **my **friend, not hers! He's supposed to hang out with **me**!" _

"_What's so special about that girl, anyway, Sora? She can't do anything fun! She can't even swim!"_

"_No, thanks. Not if **she's **gonna be there."_

However, the envious ramblings of a young boy seemed to have disappeared as he had grown. Riku had found Kairi to be quite a laugh to be with...for a _girl. _He and Sora seemed to make a makeshift friendship in her, and the three of them were practically inseparable as they had grown older. In Riku's case, he remembered he always felt protective of Kairi, who seemed a little less capable of playing the rough games that he always enjoyed with Sora:

"_Hey, Kairi! Come and duel with us!"_

"_No way, Sora! She'll just get hurt! Besides, she'd probably beat you anyway..."_

But, of course, Sora never really seemed to consider things like that. He never imagined that Kairi wasn't able to duel, or wrestle, or race as well as him and Riku. Perhaps because since it had always been the three of them, he had never realised to himself that Kairi was – in fact – female, and so treated her as he would Riku.

It was only when Sora began to delve into his teenage years when he _really _began realising, and it sunk in like a bombshell in a calm lake that had been untouched by time. Awkwardness seemed to occur more and more whenever he was around her, more than usual. A simple need to impress had taken place; a dominance.

How Riku had _loved _to challenge that dominance.

Riku couldn't exactly recall the exact moment when he realised that he had a crush on Sora. For all he knew, he could have been struck by it at any given moment. They had never really considered the possibilities of holding hands, as they had been doing so for years. It just seemed like a natural thing to do:

"_Riku, let go of Sora's hand. He's not a girl..."_

"_He's my friend, Mom...why not?"_

These puzzling thoughts and feelings had stayed with him, even when he had stepped through the door to darkness. On the night that their world had been taken, some part of him had wondered if Sora would have ever taken his hand. Would he have transcended down the same path as he had, if Riku had asked him to?

_No, _he had understood, once returning to the islands a year later. _Sora wouldn't have. He followed his heart. And in the end, his heart saved us all. _

That was the moment he knew that he loved him more than anything.

They were all so different now; his feelings. They were not simply the young boy crushes he had often experienced after gruelling play-fights with Sora; with sweaty skin and sand in their hair as they tumbled onto the ground, pinning one another and panting hard with wooden weapons. Riku was eighteen years of age now. This was _very _different.

This was _painful._

The fear had been painful. The fear he got whenever some part of him kept admitting that he could never have a chance with Sora at _all, _since he and Kairi had always been rather close in that perspective. However...Kairi's death had changed everything. Sora could never forgive himself, not even after two years of it happening.

_What should I do? _Riku often asked himself, especially when he spotted his younger friend fighting back tears or faking smiles with those empty, drained blue eyes. _I want him to feel better...I want him to smile again...laugh...be **himself** again. Be the Sora I grew up with. Should I tell him how I feel? That way, he can always come to me. He can tell me anything. He can cry in front of me._

_Or will that make things even **worse? **_

Riku winced through his teeth as he brought his fist in front of him to glance at it. Scraped skin and spots of revealed blood speckled his knuckles from the force he had brought upon the tree. He sighed and stared down between his sneakers.

It was funny that he hadn't noticed the pain until just now.


End file.
